Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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