God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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