Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
