Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
