I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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