my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
