meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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