Your face is a jimmy john
My room smells like vodka and shame
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
