it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
