Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
