I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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