Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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