Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
