You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
