if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
