omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
