you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
