I faked an abortion last night.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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