does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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