New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
