I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
