Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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