I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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