I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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