i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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