The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
