mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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