You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
