my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
