this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
