I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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