Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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