Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
