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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
