I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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