The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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