you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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