At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
