Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Houston, we have a blender
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
