you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
