Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He has the fingertips of a God
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