She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I will pee on everything he values.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
