I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize