I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
