4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
