I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
