If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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