Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
