The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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