Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am naked and annoyed.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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