I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize