there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
