Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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