my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's shark week go big or go home
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
