yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
