woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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