2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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