btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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