You can't special order awesome
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
