dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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